9/1/24

I don't think I will be here anymore. What a beautiful little site I made for myself, but unfortunately no place is safe for me online. I could sit back and relax for a few seconds & try to reason with it all... but when does it ever end? when does it ever stop? all of the changes. all of the things iv destroyed that I put my heart into, I destroyed them because people are eerily strange. I fear being here & staying here causes more harm than good. I don't want my personality to be on display for people who absorb every little thing I say. It's simply not worth it..none of it is worth it. It used to be fun.. but now it's simply overwhelming and competitive & I can't take things like that. I want to have fun and be sweet.. not compete. now xcuse me, i wna go watch cory & doodle in my sketchbook. bye bye.

8/31/24

...

8/29/24

gdmorning.. i went shopping yesterday & it was lotsa fun,.. i wasnt xpecting 2 go shopping.. my mom nd sister jst called me up and told me to get dressed so i cld go wiv them & my mom ended up buying everything for me.. it was a rlie nice time actuallie, we stopped by a diner for breakfast & got some mcdonalds after.. i found out my dads...[trying not to curse..].....quarrelsome...wife, is fully convinced im a witch. an actual witch. she is full convinced i was the one who put dead bugs under her pillow and bleach in her coffee. its so sillie, she says "[flutter looks like a witch. acts like a witch. and i just know she is one.]" but then she goes to my sister and says "but dont worry i know you're not a witch because you dont give me that energy." now not 2 be racist BUTTTTTTT....that is the whitest thing anyone has ever said and i feel like my life is a poorly written comedy movie.
well i went to the thriftstore yesterday aswell,, i found a few things to my liking...i found a really pretty pink pajama set, a pink milkmaid top, a new mug with sweet vintage designs.. like my website a stuffed animal... and a new victoria secret bag... i was on checkout when i seen the absolute prettiest black dress iv ever came 2 lay my eyes upon!! she was such a charm... unfortunately.. i am not beating the witch allegations because she is super long (down 2 my ankles..) and has reallie prettie flairy arm sleeves (like those goth dresses..) shes all black but has a rlie pretty flower-like design at the top part of her.. i jst had 2 buy her... so i did.
if it wasnt for my babydoll charm- i would be dressing in black all the time. its actuallie my color and the color that best suites me well, i love it.. & i really do love darker thngs... but still- i try to wear lighter colors like white and pinks and off-whites aswell.. but i keep a few black in my wardrobe for when i feel like mourning

now. 2 start schizo posting- heres what i really believe about it.
im not going to sit here and say that witches and witchcraft and magic isnt real. infact, im not even going to say that crystal using and tarot reading and all that hocus pocus isnt real either. because, well- it is. I believe everything in this life- from little to big.. is much more spiritual than we believe it all to be, which is why it worrys me.. every little thing worrys me. & it shouldnt.. im aware i should all leave it up to the big man himself.. but- i just fear that something im doing is wrong.. no matter how small it is like oversleeping to lustful thoughts.. i just feel like people should be very careful with their actions. My mom told me something in the car yesterday that made me ponder even more... she told me that i must always be careful with what i say & so should my family.. she told me that life & death lives on the tongue. She went on to say that my dads side of the family is cursed & she actually had a pretty solid point. My mom is very spiritually connected.. (im unsure if im using the correct words, 2 anyone reading this- try not to blow ur brains out understanding me.). I believe in a way to put it.. would be.... she feels things. mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. but she also knows things mentally, emotionally, and spiritually aswell.
for example.. i was walking to the car yesterday and both my sister and mother were smiling at me, they said i looked beautiful..my mom went on to ask if iv been feeling okay since she felt a deep sorrow and mourn in her heart this week 2 the point that she broke down and cried for whatever she was feeling. My sister literally gasped and told my mom that iv been struggling this week aswell. (considering i tell my sister everything..) & that it mustve been me she was feeling.
i confessed i wasnt doing too well this week, mentally iv just been elsewhere...emotionally iv been..well..everywhere & spiritually..im getting nowhere.
so this week wasnt my week.
i suppose i just wish i had answers.
do i believe my family is cursed..? ...im not sure. i cant speak too much on why i cant deny these claims.. due to.. personal reasons.. but i feel as if its wrong to.. acknowledge them aswell.. due to.. religious reasons. everything is so deeply confusing and im very perplexed...i suppose i hate having no answers behind things. thats one thing about me, if i do things.. i do things with intention behind them. every little thing iv done- iv done for a reason. everything i say, i say with my fist's, unless i back down and regret it like a small lamb afterwards. i feel like a wolf in sheeps clothing, xcept im not ruthless like a wolf.. im more like a dog. a very scared dog. if you call me a bad girl, i will tuck my tail and stay in the corner and rot.
mental illness kicks my ass because im unsure what is wrong with me. iv i had answers, a diagnoses- i would be able to understand the issue and be medicated and attempt to rehabilitate myself (or however its spelt.) but considering im left loosing half a brain wondering whats wrong with me, it drives me insane. or maybe, there isnt anything wrong with me. perhaps. im just stupid.
No. i am stupid. i just.. overthink alot.
maybe thats whats wrong with me. stupid people dont think too much yet somehow i think alot because im stupid and i cant even stupid correctly like a stupid person.

8/26/24

its 10:08am. im still tired. im going back to bed.

8/26/24 - 10:13am

hello.. m feeling much better mentally today, iv got my period a few days ago.. perhaps thats why iv been out of wack.. who knows.. 2day i drew a few art pieces for nternet friends of mine.. it was rlie nice.. though there is still one more i must do for someone.. o iv also been thnkng of opening up a gaming channel.. or perhaps jst posting more gameplay vdeos... nothing well edited ofcourse. i just wna do it for nostalgia.. wldnt tht be nice..? i cant wait in 10 years for me 2 look back on all that iv done creativly.. 2 others its nonesnese, but to me.. everything i make.. the little and big, is so so special 2 me.. i love being an artist.. i love drawing and editing, making little songs, singing 2 myself, learning web design... i love self expression. papa bear said that when we get our own place, i'll be able to have a piano room.. & im so excited for that.. i really want a piano,.. i want to be able 2 play my beautiful lullabys, even if its only me listening.. m so xcited..

8/25/24

hello... iv decided 2 revamp the site a littl bit.. 2 make it neater but also more old-web inspired.. iv been very sleepy lately,.. iv been drinking lotsa strawberry milk aswell.. its so strange i was allergic 2 it when i was tinier.. & now im sipping away like nothing happened.. its silly iv been taking care of myself a bit.. last night i made a fruit tray with my strawberry milk & watched jacksepticeye it was rlie comforting. iv just been filling myself up with sweet things.. only 2 control the thoughts.. bear helps alot aswell, but poor thing.. he's been very tired aswell.. hes sick currently & im a bit sick aswell. i noticed everytime i get sick.. he gets sick aswell... hmm...

8/23/24

gdmorning... i didnt sleep much last night, i only slept for 2 hours.. i was going 2 sleep again but things need 2 be done.. iv decided 2 try to style my hair naturally today.. iv reallie reallie been trying 2 not use heat on it or anything that could damage it.. theres lots still left 2 be done on this site of mine.. i wanna add a lookbook page aswell... but maybe that will happen sometime in the future... i took the gun stickers off my pink bag, i thought it was a bit too much.. im trying to balance cuteness and simplicity at the same time... maybe i can buy some gems today 2 stick on and make it all sparkly... i love things that sparkle & shine.. been thinking lots and lots, lotsa good things... o but- i must not ramble on.. its 8am and i have my curls 2 tend to and coffee 2 brew...bye bye

8/22/24

there is alot on my mind.. but i will not speak on any of it.. no, i will teach myself how to be okay. i just wish this dread of anxiety can go away... iv been in constant fear all day today.. maybe tomorrow i'll wake up & feel better. iv been trying to abstain from creepy things,, incase my thoughts flair up. thankfully they have been calm.. or atleast- better then what they used to be.. i didnt realize how alot of the things i did have triggered certain..mental..reactions. i miss the girl i used to be. master tells me that she isnt gone & she can come back.. i hope so. iv been really liking alot of niche kawaii things recently... it helps me destress... i'll force a little smile on myself even if its a bit hard. i really like bunnies. bunniebell is a cute nickname 2 me

8/21/24

i dont feel well.. i feel so so sick. something inside me is sick & dying.. i can feel it. this entire week has been very dreadful 2 me.. iv been so so emotional.. theres this gut feeling of death that has manifested inside myself which has been making me extremely paranoid. there is a voice telling me that i am going to die soon and all it does is make me cry...the feeling is intense and unlike any feeling iv ever had before. i pray i will be okay... thats all i can do.